


please don’t try to disappear

by CupOfTaeWithSugaAndAKookie (FangirlOtaku_2001)



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Depression, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Self-Harm, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Suicide Attempt, woooo this is a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-05
Updated: 2018-01-05
Packaged: 2019-02-28 15:48:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13274730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FangirlOtaku_2001/pseuds/CupOfTaeWithSugaAndAKookie
Summary: “In a world where your soulmate bares the same scars you do, Viktor Nikiforov was no stranger to his soulmates scars. Of course he got the normal scraped knee scars that every kid has or maybe a pit of pain if his soulmate broke a bone, etc. But, his soulmate has clearly been struggling with self-harm for a while, as the scars littering his wrists and thighs could prove.”





	please don’t try to disappear

In a world where your soulmate bares the same scars you do, Viktor Nikiforov was no stranger to his soulmates scars. Of course he got the normal scraped knee scars that every kid has or maybe a pit of pain if his soulmate broke a bone, etc. But, his soulmate has clearly been struggling with self-harm for a while, as the scars littering his wrists and thighs could prove. 

The first time this happened, Viktor was sitting on his bed in a hotel for a skating competition. He felt pain blooming on his wrist and he pulled his sleeve back as he watched a small line across his wrist appear. He didn't quite understand at first. It dawned on him a few minutes later, horror following when he grasped the entire situation. This was no ordinary cut or injury. No, it was too precise. Too straight. His soulmate had just cut himself.

There was only one mark that night. But as time went by, the marks got to be more and more, spreading down to his thighs. Viktor wasn't ashamed of the scars, but he still covered them. He felt like he was revealing a secret that wasn't his to reveal by showing them. 

He wanted to do something, but what could he possibly do when he had no clue who his soulmate was?

Another time, Viktor had been at practice, that particular session on almost over. Yakov had told him to go over the routine one more time before he could go home, when it happened. He was just about to jump into his signature move, the quad flip, when a burning pain on his wrist had him tumbling to the ice. 

He got to his knees, holding onto his wrist as he hissed in pain. The pain was unbearable, tears started falling down his cheeks as he sat there, cradling his arm to his chest. Viktor never felt this pain before. Sure, he's felt the pain from his soulmate cutting himself before, but that was nothing compared to this. 

Yakov and the rest of the Russian team at the rink ran over to him. Yuri was the first one over, putting his hands on Viktor's back, asking him what's wrong. Mila put her hands over his that was currently clutching his own arm and Yakov was feeling over Viktor's body for other injuries. Mila tried to pry his arm from his body but he refused to budge. 

Suddenly, Viktor let out a muffled scream as he felt the pain on his other wrist and this time Mila managed to catch his arm before he could hold it and she pulled his sleeve up. 

She covered her mouth in a gasp and Viktor looked down. Among the various other small lines, there was a large, thick line going vertically instead of horizontally. Now Viktor wasn't sure if the tears were because of the pain or the realization of what just happened, the fact he may have just lost his soulmate. 

Viktor couldn't explain the relief he felt when a small cut formed on his hip when he was laying in bed weeks later. That meant his soulmate was alive. He felt the tension and grief leave his body, but that didn't mean he let the sadness go that his soulmate tried to kill himself. 

To be honest, Viktor's kind of surprised he hasn't met his soulmate yet. Or, for all he knows he has and he just doesn't know it. He can admit he's taken peeks at people's wrists whenever he got the chance to see if the marks matched his. He's sad and thankful at the same time. That means none of his friends are going through what his soulmate seems to be going through, but he hasn't met his other half like he so desperately wants to. 

~

Yuuri knew he had a soulmate. His soulmate was obviously someone athletic, as he felt the pain of injuries only someone who was active got. Such as himself. He thought his soulmate could even be a skater like himself. 

He also felt horrible that he caused his soulmate so much pain all the time. He could never apologize enough. But the voices inside his head, feeding him his self-hatred all the time made it hard. It was hard to get out of bed in the morning and get through practice. Sometimes the only thing that would get him through the day was knowing he could tear his skin open and make himself bleed at the end of the day. 

He knew if he ever met his soulmate, he'd have to apologize profusely for all the pain he put them through. Sometimes it just feuls his hatred knowing he's purposely making these marks, and his soulmate has to bare them all the same. He wonders if his other half is ashamed of the scars, if they like to hide them because they think he's weak. Maybe they don't even want to meet Yuuri because of everything. 

That gets him every time. He's spent most of his life wanting to meet his soulmate, find the one person he was destined to be with. Just the thought of this person not wanting to meet him, possibly wishing he had a different soulmate was too much to handle. Yuuri wanted love, he wanted to live happily ever after, he just didn't know if the world would let him. 

~

Viktor was lonely. Anyone could tell you that, just by taking one look at his apartment. Walls bare, minimal furniture, enough food in the fridge to last the week and his bedroom that contained a bed and dresser. He also has some stuff around for his only companion, Makkachin. 

Sometimes Viktor pulled his sleeves back and gently ran his thumb over the numerous marks that littered his arm when he was alone. He still hasn't found the person for him. His soulmate hasn't hurt himself in a long time. For that, Viktor is thankful. But, there's a selfish part of him that wished they still did. It had become a reminder to him that someone was out there for him. He hates that side. The side of thoughts that creep up when he gets lost in thought and loneliness, when he wished he had the comfort of his soulmate. He wants to vomit after he thinks about it. He shouldn't want that. His soulmates well being is so much more important than him. 

He's skating at the Grand Prix in 2015 when it happened again. He had been skating his routine, Stay Close to Me, which was dedicated to his soulmate, wherever they were, when it happened again. 

Viktor had been skating, letting the vulnerable side of him show, just a little to nail the routine. He let some of the emotion go that he had pent up, trying to reach out to his soulmate, wherever they were. He had been skating when he felt the pain on his wrist that had become too familiar to him. Viktor felt a stab through the heart as he kept skating, knowing his soulmate had just broken the hard worked months of staying clean. 

He pulled his sleeves back once he had some time to himself, and right there, among the faded scars, were dark ones. Meaning fresh. His scars had faded along with his soulmates, but now he had more decorations among his porcelain skin.

He waned to scream. He wanted to yell 'why?' He didn't understand why his soulmate deserved this suffering. He was Viktor Nikiforov, the most decorated figure skater in history. Some would say he's at the top of the world. Men and women swooning for him left and right. He had plenty of money for whatever he wanted. He had the power that he could have anything he wanted, but he was powerless to stop the one thing he wanted to most. 

~

Yuuri was absolutely humiliated. Placing dead last in the Grand Prix with the lowest score ever. How pathetic. He ignored the people who said he was still amazing, because making it to the Grand Prix was an accomplishment in of it's own. He wrote that off as pity. His mind latched onto the people who were calling him horrible things, calling him a disappointment, simply because it was all true. 

He finally achieved his dream, skating on the same ice as his idol for as long as he could remember, and he completely and utterly fucked it up. He could never call himself Viktor's equal. How could he? He, Katsuki Yuuri, was nothing more than a dime-a-dozen figure skater with mediocre skating and a body that gained weight too easily. How could he ever be equal to Viktor Nikiforov, who had the body of a god and could win medals left and right? Sometimes Yuuri wonders why the podiums bother having a 1st place when Viktor's there. He thinks they should just start at 2nd.

Yuuri mentally apologized to his soulmate as he tore open his skin again for the second time that day. His thoughts were just too much to handle. He was embarrassed, sad and anxious. He lost so much in the span of 24 hours. He lost his dog, his control over eating, the Grand Prix and his clean streak. 

He went back to Japan, his head hanging low and shoulders slumped. He managed to catch Viktor's attention last minute, with his staring. But that made it so much worse. Viktor had asked for a photo as if he was nothing more than a fan. That stung, even if he had known it was true. He didn't even make it onto Viktor's radar, he didn't even accomplish enough that the Russian would know his name.

He went back to Japan, not noticing the eyes of a certain Russian on him and the longing heart he left behind. 

~

Viktor knew he made a mistake dancing with the Japanese boy at the banquet. The man, Katsuki Yuuri, had danced so beautifully, even drunk out of his mind. That night he had forgotten about the pressure of living, skating and his soulmate. There was a tiny slice of hope inside him that Yuuri was his soulmate. It was a bittersweet feeling really. He wanted it to be Yuuri because the other had been so beautiful and captured his attention. But, he wished to almost every power that it wasn't. Viktor couldn't handle the images his mind supplied him of Yuuri tearing himself open, leaning over a bleeding wrist. He certainly couldn't handle watching the lovely images his mind made remembering the suicide attempt. It nearly brought him to tears imagining Yuuri laying on the floor, his wrists split open and blood slowly pooling around his body as the life drained out of him. 

Viktor shook his head to rid himself of the images. The banquet was the worst and best thing to happen to him. If Yuuri wasn't his soulmate, he was screwed. His mind and body both took a liking to Yuuri, so much so he longed to hold the Japanese man in his arms again. Watching Yuuri walk away from him in the airport was a wake up call. Maybe Yuuri didn't want to be around him. Maybe Yuuri had already found his soulmate and wasn't interested in meeting anyone new. 

A bigger spark of hope flashed through him when Yuri had his phone blowing up with the cover from the Japanese Yuuri. He watched the routine intently, his heart breaking slightly at the sadness displayed on Yuuri's face. He shouldn't be feeling that skating that routine. Yuuri should be happy, skating it for someone he loved. Not skating it with a weighed down body, looking as if his entire world was crashing down around him. 

In that moment, Viktor made a rash decision. But it was better than constantly coming back to an empty apartment where he spent his time alone. At least he would be around people, and get to know them. Maybe even find his soulmate. He could afford to take a year off. This way, he wouldn't be retiring like he had planned. 

~

It helped being back in Hasetsu. Even just a little. Yuuri hid from the world, unable to show his face right now. Not after such a humiliating loss. He was also ashamed of himself for hiding. He was weak. What else was he supposed to do? Despite what anyone said. He was. If he wasn't, why would he tear his wrists and thighs open? Why would he cry over the slightest criticism? 

Yuuri just wanted to lay in bed and never get up again. He wanted to hold his dog, Vicchan, in his arms. He wanted the comfort the dog brought. But his dog was gone. He hadn't seen Vicchan in five years. The memories with him are distant. Faded. He could barely remember how the dog felt in his arms, how he licked at Yuuri's face when he cried. 

When the video of him skating had been posted, he locked himself away even more. He had already been hiding, but he had been hiding in the town. Now he was hiding in his room. He refused to leave, he couldn't take the prying eyes. He watched the video himself, and pointed over every flaw he saw. He hated videos and pictures of himself as it was, but he had let himself go and gained a bunch of weight. He saw it in the skating, and he was sure others did too. Yuuri was almost too scared to look through the many comments, fearing that it would just add to his self-hatred. But when did he ever listen to the rational side?

That night, he sat in his bathroom once again mentally apologizing to his soulmate as he torn open wrists lay above the sink, blood dripping. He watched, mesmerized as the red rolled down his arm. Eventually snapping out of his daze, he washed his arm and hid the blade. He crawled into bed that night, his arm aching. 

He woke to knocking. Oh yeah, people were still here. He knew he couldn't say no to his mom anymore, so throwing on his jacket and grabbing the shovel, he made his way outside. His arm ached as he worked through, eventually calling it done. Yuuri walked back into Yu-Topia, yelping as he was tackled to the ground by a dog. After a moment and a double take, he knew it wasn't Vicchan. 

His eyes widened at his parents words, immediately taking off in a sprint to their onsen. He completely forgot to take off his jacket or anything, not caring about the possibility that his childhood idol could be in his parents Inn. 

Yuuri swore he could've fainted when he turned that corner and saw Viktor sitting in the water. Yuuri swore he had died and gone to heaven when Viktor stood up, leaving nothing hidden as he the Russian stood from the water and proclaimed himself Yuuri's coach. 

Yuuri was shell-shocked. There was no way... Not after his fuck up at the Grand Prix. There was no way Viktor Nikiforov was standing in his parents Inn, saying he was Yuuri's coach and winking at him. He couldn't believe it, but here Viktor was. The shock pushed out a scream of confusion, and he pinched himself, but Viktor was still there. And it seemed like he wasn't leaving anytime soon. 

~

Viktor settled in the Inn fairly easily. It was easy with the hospitality of the Katsuki’s. 

He couldn’t wait to get to know Yuuri more. Viktor was excited, he finally found the man who grinded on him a the banquet, the man who captured his attention. 

This didn’t mean he wrote off his soulmate, but he was thankful for a distraction. Of course, that didn’t mean he’d forget his soulmate, he could never. He was just glad to get out, do something other than compete and practice. 

He stayed up late that first night, planning a bunch of things he’d need to be a good coach for Yuuri, tracing the scars on his arms. 

~

Practice was gruelling. However, Yuuri knew he needed the practice if he wanted a shot at winning. 

It was still so weird, having Viktor there all the time. His lifetime idol, coaching him? Seemed impossible a few months ago, but yet again, here he was. 

He couldn’t help but notice how forward Viktor was with Yuuri. He wasn’t sure if that’s just where he came from and how he is, or if he’s genuinely flirting with Yuuri. 

He wonders if Viktor has a soulmate, but then realizes he’s never seen Viktor with someone in the media. The first person he thought was Christophe Giacometti, but he knew Chris has already found his soulmate. 

Maybe Viktor flirted with him because he hoped Yuuri would be his soulmate? No way. Yuuri immediately writes that off as wishful thinking. He knew Viktor could never love someone such as himself. 

Months passed by like this. Yuuri became more comfortable with Viktor’s advances, just accepting it as the way the Russian was. He could admit he’s felt better than he has in months. He hasn’t felt like picking up the blade as much, his arms were healing. 

He knew Viktor wasn’t the magical cure to his problems, but he did offer a distraction from that, and he was thankful. 

~

Viktor woke to pain. It took a minute for his sleep hazed brain to fit the puzzle pieces together. It did eventually, and he bolted upright and pulled his sleeve down quickly. He watched, morbidly intrigued, for a few moments as dark marks appeared across his skin. He eventually snapped out of his daze with a familiar stab of sadness that always came with this. He wants to be there for them, so badly.

An uneasy feeling sets like a bag of stones in stomach and suddenly he feels nervous. His mind is telling him to check up on Yuuri. The Japanese man had seemed off that night, distant, far away. His body was here, but his mind wasn’t. 

Knowing it couldn't hurt, he carefully slipped out of bed. He walked towards the door that was slightly ajar, a light shining underneath. Viktor didn't know whether that should make him worry more or not as much. 

Viktor tiptoed up to the door, carefully pushing the door open to the bathroom. It took his eyes a moment to adjust to the blinding light after being in his dark room before. He looked around, taking in his surroundings. He spotted a few drops of blood on the floor, a stained towel next to it and worst of all, the body of a man he adored, looking up at him with wide and scared eyes. 

When the weight of the situation settled in his gut, Viktor gasped. He saw, in all of its bloody glory, Yuuri’s wrist that lay in his lap, a silver blade held in the other hand. Yuuri looked up at him, scared, wondering how he’d react. 

Viktor didn’t know how to react, honestly. He’d imagined this moment so many times before, but actually being faced with the situation, his brain froze. He forgot everything he told himself he would do, how he’d comfort them. 

Viktor panicked when thick tears started pouring down Yuuri’s face and he curled in on himself, cradling his wrist to his chest, whispering how he was sorry over and over again. 

After a few seconds that felt like an eternity, his brain yelling at him to do something, Viktor carefully took a step toward Yuuri. He quickly looked through the cupboards, looking for rubbing alcohol and bandages. When he found what he needed, he set them beside Yuuri, setting a hand on the others shoulder. Yuuri flinched but looked up at Viktor. Viktor gave a small, reassuring smile and pulled him closer. 

Viktor would’ve said he was surprised at how Yuuri melted against his chest, tangling a hand in his shirt and letting more tears fall, but he really couldn’t. Viktor knew this feeling. Viktor knew how Yuuri had kept it all in, having no one he could truly lean on. Not having a shoulder to cry on, if you will. Viktor knew how lonely that could get, lacking a confidant. How nice it felt when you finally had that person, letting it all go. 

So Viktor held Yuuri. Viktor held him as he shook, sobbed, and apologized for what felt like hours, but could’ve been mere minutes. Viktor kept whispering soft nothings, wanting to get Yuuri calmed down enough to help treat his injuries. 

Through that, Viktor’s curiosity came through, wanting him to observe Yuuri’s wrist for his own sick satisfaction, to quell his growing need to see if the Japanese man is his soulmate. Viktor pushed that thought back, thinking it can wait for a more appropriate time, when Yuuri isn’t having a breakdown in his arms. 

When Yuuri’s sobs turned into sniffles and hiccups, Viktor felt it the right time to gently pull back, assuring Yuuri he wasn’t going anywhere. Yuuri’s grip loosened from around him, and Viktor took his damaged wrist and got to work cleaning it up. He was glad he knew how to address wounds properly, apologizing when Yuuri winced from the alcohol.

Viktor wrapped a bandage carefully around the raised flesh, pressing a gentle kiss to the fabric when he finished wrapping it. He maneuvered the others arm so it was in Yuuri’s lap, making quick work of the bathroom, cleaning up the blood and discarding of the blade.

When he found his work satisfactory, he carefully scooped Yuuri up, carrying the smaller man to his room upon his request. Viktor set Yuuri down on the bed, going to make a bed on the floor when he felt a hand pulling his shirt, looking down at Yuuri’s pleading eyes. Viktor nodded, taking that as a plea not to leave him, and just stay. He complied, laying down as Yuuri pressed close, curling against his chest. Yuuri must’ve been exhausted, as he fell asleep quickly. 

That left Viktor wide awake, any trace of tiredness he previously felt, long gone. With Yuuri being asleep, he could finally digest what just happened. He felt some of his own tears build, eventually flowing over his waterline, falling down his face. It killed him, seeing how much pain Yuuri was in. His darkest suspicions were true. “Please don’t try to disappear,” he whispered into Yuuri’s hair. 

Now, he still wasn’t sure if Yuuri was his soulmate per se, but he knew Yuuri was struggling. He knew he needed to have a real talk with Yuuri in the morning, contemplating bringing up the soulmate thing. He supposed it couldn’t hurt, other than the soul-crushing heart break it’ll bring if they’re really not soulmates. 

Viktor fell asleep like that, weighing his options. He fell asleep doing what he’s dreamed about for the last few months, holding Yuuri close as he drifted. 

~

Yuuri woke in the morning, confused for a second. He wasn’t in his bed, he wasn’t in his room, and he certainly never slept next to someone. He looked up, his heart nearly beating out of his chest when he saw it was Viktor, sleeping next to him. Yuuri looked over Viktor’s peaceful face, not being able to help notice how beautiful he was. 

That is, until it settled what happened last night. Viktor found him. God, how stupid was he? He was not nearly cautious enough, and now Viktor knew. He was going to think he’s weak, seeking attention. Viktor was going to leave. God, Viktor was going to leave him here alone again and he’ll have no one. He’s going to leave, find someone better, pretend this never happened, he was-

Yuuri hadn’t noticed his breathing start to pick up until Viktor stirred next to him. He watched, mesmerized for a moment as Viktor’s eyes blinked open, his long eyelashes opening to reveal the ocean blue that Yuuri felt like he was sinking in. He watched at the sleep left the Russian’s eyes, momentarily forgetting about his panic and racing breath. When concerned filled Viktor’s eyes, that’s when he remembered, oh yeah, he couldn’t fucking breathe. 

Yuuri couldn’t exactly remember how he got into Viktor’s arms, hearing the older man whisper, trying to get him to breathe with him. It took Yuuri a few minutes, but he eventually got his breathing as close to normal as he could. 

He didn’t want to let go of Viktor, he held on tight. He wanted to cherish this moment, because he didn’t know where things would go after this. Eventually he felt Viktor start to pull back and Yuuri complied, still keeping a hand on his sleeve. 

“Can you talk a little about what happened last night?” Viktor asked softly. 

Yuuri took a moment to gather his thoughts, before hesitantly starting to talk. It took Yuuri a few minutes, but soon he couldn’t stop the words tumbling from his mouth. He felt tears fall down his cheeks and Viktor’s soft hand wiping away the tears. He explained his anxiety, depression, self-hatred, why he hurt himself, his sadness, the fear of his soulmate yet the desperation of meeting them. 

He eventually ran out of words to say, hesitantly looking into Viktor’s eyes. But he only saw a twinge of sadness, compassion and, it may only be wishful thinking, but love? Yuuri froze when Viktor leaned forward and pressed his lips to his forehead. Yuuri knew it was an innocent kiss, but it still felt like it held so much behind it. 

“I want to show you something,” Viktor said when he pulled back, taking his sleeve and rolled it up, revealing the scars littered over his porcelain skin.

Yuuri gasped when he saw them, running his fingers over them softly. He pulled the sleeve back on his right arm, since his left was bandaged and held it beside Viktor’s. Tears filled his eyes as he held them side by side, the scars matching perfectly. He looked up, unbelieving. 

Viktor let out a breathless laugh, relief filling that breath. He put his face in his hands, not being able to help a small laugh as he did so, eventually pulling his hands away to reveal tears falling down his cheeks. 

Yuuri was a little confused, but couldn’t help his smile. That smile faltered a second later when he realized he’d been causing all this pain for Viktor all these years. All these years, Viktor has been on the receiving end of everything. Suddenly he was crying again, clinging to Viktor desperately, apologizing with every breath he took. He knew he could never truly apologize enough for all that pain. 

Viktor let Yuuri cry for a few moments before pulling back, cupping his cheeks. Viktor stared at Yuuri with such adoration, it made the other blush. Viktor wiped at the tears on Yuuri’s face, just rubbing his thumb over the others cheekbones. 

“You’re actually my soulmate,” Viktor whispered, still unbelieving. Saying out loud made it more real, yet didn’t help the belief at all. Viktor couldn’t explain how happy he was in that moment, he finally found them. After 27 years, he was with his soulmate. That them, was none other than Katsuki Yuuri. 

“Soulmates,” Yuuri said, testing the word on his tongue. He felt the smile grow, copying Viktor with a chuckle of disbelief. He surged forward in a moment of uncharacteristic bravery, wrapping his arms around Viktor’s neck. He pressed his lips to Viktor’s, something he’s wanted to do since the first day the Russian showed up in his life. 

They both knew not everything would suddenly be better. They weren’t okay. Being soulmates wouldn’t remedy everything they’d been through. However one day, they’d be okay together.


End file.
